Pretty in Red, White, and Blue

Im not scared to show any ignorance here because it is coming from ignoring. As in I am ignoring all politics until further notice, enough is enough guys. Ok, im no longer ignoring it so that I can continue to learn how to not act, but I AM still and forever more not in support of the cluster expletive deleted (it can be defined as the consensual fornication between adults, mostly hard like).

It starts every four years with the Bravo reality tv show that is the road to the election, only there are usually no chics and as far as I can tell booze is omitted. The pre election consists of however many social degenerates who are really proud of themselves and seem to want their skeletons in the closet to be exposed. They cover them up like a teen on the beach. After months of the joke that is not directly affecting anything except weeding out trash from trash, one emerges to claim their “parties” nomination. Aren't parties supposed to be fun? So now the best of the worst has been selected to run against some other group of schmucks, none of which have a unique thought.

It has begun seemingly earlier this year and they are way worse than usual. Candidates try to win by slandering their opponents and basically saying, “I never inhaled.” They run attack ads with the message dont vote for me, just dont vote for them, yet everybody vote. What kind of BS is that?

This year, the arm pitt is bashing anything that hope-ama can say based on the fact that he didnt fix the economy. “I did not believe in global warming but the president ruined the economy and now I know, It's His FAULT! Vote for me, please.” Whether he did or didnt do anything at all, at least we aren't Europeans and thank everything that you can still drive your GMC to BOA to change your IRA. As shaky as the Euro is, at least they have a little class about themselves. Nobody is hollering at the queen, bashing her for shaking the hand of her assassin.

Every year as we get closer to finding out who is going to better corporate America for the next 4, a certain amount of political lies via attack ad is expected and of course there will be a ton of senators whose mistresses will come forth and write a novel (no wonder nobody reads anymore). But this year, there have been no ads claiming why we should vote for someone, just why you shouldn't. At least an attempt to say what your political stance is on a few key topics before you go into completely molly whopping a persons dignity, even if that person is not really a person.

Im starting to see why they implemented the electoral college, so when nobody shows up to pick a loser, somebody will still appoint one.

Point Man

It wasnt too long ago when the nuclear family reigned Suburbia. Now, global warming, oil famine, unemployment, etc has caused that nuclear family to mutate and go from a small group to the outrageous family unit. That's neither here nor there, what is here is the fact that we laugh about what was there.

In 90s suburbia, the dad would come home, change into his relaxing polo and high shorts and mow the yard with an electronic lawnmower. The nice thing about them is that they wouldn't run out of power unless you didnt pay the bill, the bad part being that extension chords suck. Nothing quite beats trying to get that patch of grass in the corner of your yard only to come up just short. Remember the old cartoons where the plug would come out of the wall just before you could finish the task, they were historically accurate. It wasnt just an electric mower, but of course the whole package, tree trimmer, weed eater, edger, you name it, they had it, even the boom box!

A little later, the brilliant minds that be created the man points system for wives to keep their men in check. Mow the yard, get some points, fix a broken object, have some more; redeem for prizes. Much like currency, the man point evolved into something completely different. It became a trap for man friends to poke fun at their pals (ie the guy on the couch to rip on the guy with the job). You left the game, minus points, are you drinking wine, point loss, tell me that's not a novel, your points are getting low. Thats where we are today, except we have combined the earning of points with the losing of them, much like a banking institute (btw interesting that banks and psycho wards are both commonly referred to as institutes).

The man will now come home from earning man points at the bar to make dinner and lose said points when the buddies get wind of it. It's evolved from a chuck e cheese rewards system to having no value like our currency. Just as with chivalry, women killed the man point for themselves. Now the ones in charge with a mans self image is his drunken, football buddies...BELCH! Used to be you got man points for being a responsible man but now you get them for being deadbeat, thanks celebrity rehab.

Boot for books

I saw the firefighters out with their “boots” today. The great American past time of pan handling (begging for money) was in full force. They have it down to a science, those public servants. It's mid may, so it's pretty toasty, yet not unbearable like middle summer (although fire fighters should be able to handle the heat (which is why they stay in the kitchen)); the temp is just enough to break a good sweat but not be brutal. With a sweat and the stigma behind them, a firefighter holding a boot can collect quite a bit of change. As a reward for your tax free contribution, you get a sticker that you can rock (way cooler than the dentist sticker).

On a side note, seeing as tv has pegged the fireman to be this ripped hunk of hot man, what happened to the calendar? Did they decide the cougar and bachelorette party market wasnt supporting their needs financially? It was a bit tacky and unrealistic because I have seen firemen before and they are not exactly the picture of health. Most firemens, like police, teachers, doctors, people in general are slobby, unkempt, borderline drunks. But they do a great thing and work very hard for it. It's just unrealistic that they get crowned sexiest public servant. The real firemen calendar should look like an SNL skit because if they were all chiseled and bronze, calls for a “cat stuck in the tree” would be overbearing.Whats nice about the boot is that it has become a tradition like the girl scout cookies. A sticker beats a samoa anyday.

Back to the boot, firemen use this a a big and creative fundraiser to raise awareness and offset shrinking budgets as they are getting cut and shafted like a pencil in a sharpener. Almost like the pitiful public education funding. So why does the school teacher not take over the busy intersection asking for money to by school supplies to teach kids how to read? First off, teachers are lazy because they worked 9 months this year and had to call parents a few days after class (babysitting is tough) and secondly teachers dont have boots (only stinky feet from standing all day), telling people to place their quarters in a teacher's puma doesnt quiet have a jolly ring. Could you imagine a caffine induced grumpy educator on your route to the school asking for you to shell out more than you already do from property taxes or write your congressman and tell them to learn to budget. What a joke, are they going to march up to the capital next to raise capitol? As funny as this may seem, most educators will have to resort to this as their job after the next round of budget cuts. The secret to being a good panhandler is to not be creepy looking but also, move around, dont stay on the same corner.

Just say No

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there was an evil. The forces of good tried round the clock to put this darkness away, but in it is apparent that their efforts were unsuccessful and some may argue that they pushed others to the dark side. The force is not at play here, and you dont need to be a jedi to grasp it.

What every happened to the keep kids of drugs programs, especially in school? I was a part of DARE and I turned out ok, having only a partial spoon habit (joking). It seems that the program is no more, the anti drug policy has become crossword puzzles on the back of the school lunch milk cartons, along with every other “be a better person” campaign. It seems that the schools just said “F it” and cut drug education along with everything else (excepts football of course), so now it's up to the parents to keep from taking bong hits with your children (reefer is a gateway drug).

The big oops may have been their timing; they started young and then gave up in middle and especially high school. I got my info in 5^th grade (as you know they next high is a top priority to a 5^th grader) and it was over. Even the level headed brain child that I am now, major life decisions are not meant for a 10 year old. So in middle school, when the monster started showing its ugly head, there was no “no” reinforcement techniques. The system failed and lead to the high drop out rates.

Now that I think about it, they did the same thing with sex ed and hygeine training. I learned that BO juice was a good thing in 5^th grade and thats the last I heard. In 6^th grade they would mention that showering and laundry were good, but nothing major. Once again, I got that knowledge from my chocolate milk and nothing says be a better person like non fat chocolate milk Friday!

At least they were trying in the 90's, now a days you cant even find a free poster or have campus security come talk to your class or nothing, a lot of schools dont even have a nurse any more. I guess the pro drug campaign just put up more money than the anti and had better free samples. Think about it, as a kid, pencils are ok, but then in middle school, the anti parent, pro individuality phase kicks in and the free samples of dirt grass from your high school neighbor pull more weight that a t shirt. Cool merchandise is crucial, I think one of the best things pro hygiene had going for it was the free deodorant sample, especially to the children who have no pit hair; biology is crazy (which is yet another reason why math is better).

Hate to say it, but the pro reading campaign sucks as well, post elementary. Think about it, books are sweet in the young days because of the authors who were not affected by the anti drug movement (Seuss). What kid doesnt want a mushroom trip about green eggs, in high school, they have to keep it going, but unfortunately vampires dont do LSD.

At the end of the day, the world needs better role models for high schoolers, pop stars are crappy, self absorbed people with a selfish agenda. Parents are great role models, but they dont get much respect by their kids until adulthood (which is how to judge success). We nees a Pootie Tang to mumble gibberish and make “cool” PSAs. OR, step it up celebrities, rather than sucker punch and surprise your opponent with an elbow to the face (world peace huh?) maybe show some class and sportsmanship with a high five. By all means, go to rehab, but dont relapse and flash the “great divide” to the paparazzi (those guys suck). Celebrities, you basically live life like a high school popularity contest, use your appeal for good, join the chess team or something. Give the teenagers something better to vote for via text than which bimbo to marry. Look at the old milk ads, those worked well, do that with crack, except the other way around. I'll even use my celebrity to kick it off (“Got crack” you shouldn't, only plumbers and cable guys do).

Do whatever, just do it fast, reincarnate McGruff, not McGrif (bonus if you know it). At the end of the day, no junkie in a dog suit is going to affect your life, the decision is in your hands, you have to put your education to work, so it falls on the system to instill moral and logic to help the youth.

Cliche Away

It has been stated to not judge a book by it's cover and that is sound advice, but why not? First off, who said this because nobody reads anymore and the ones that do are used to being judged by a jury of their peers although they were not innocent until proven guilty, they weren't. The only reason that cliche exists is because people are so sensitive about stereotypes and although they are not a scientific fact, they are usually pretty accurate, the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. You would be right more than wrong by judging because people make up lies about who they really are to project who they would like to be, not who they are and you need to go with your gut because actions speak louder than words. If you dont like you, there is no to time like the present to change it and put on a smile. I hate to rain on your parade, but time heals all wounds so build a bridge and get over it. If you are a fake inside, it's ok because if you break your arm, with a little support it will go back to normal in a few months; father time will heal you, granted a steady regiment of vicatin will take the edge off, it'll still heal.

I hope im not letting the cat out of the bag by telling you that people just put words together in a random jumble of nonsense. Try to turn a new leaf and use creativity as the ace in the hole, conversations start to feel like ants in the pants.

As crazy as cliches are, it kind of chaps my hide that they have not one, not two, but more websites than you can count on one hand devoted to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Alls fair in love and war, but I think it's safe to assume that the interweb is in a pickle.

I better mak out like a bandit before you get thrown a curveball on what i'm actually saying, eh, E for effort.

I'm not holding my breath, but you can say that again! Glad I got that monkey off my back.

Know your face

Why do people who just met try to expand their relationship through facebook? It has killed more relationships than playboy (even though we only read it for the articles). It used to be, you dated a person and knew just what they told you, now you can stalk them, see every picture they've been in, read about their crazy friends and former tool boyfriends, and who wants to get to know a person that dressed up as a the village people for Halloween?Point of the story, as the empire expands and is now worth some crazy amount of zeroes, think about how it all got started. If you must, reference the movie (it's got JT in it, so it must be accurate). Evn as the are innocent and never proven, they are the Maury show of legit. So much swindling and back stabbing has gone on that it makes DC look like clean, family fun. Is this what you want around your personal relationships?On this website, you matter as much as you think you do, but hey, there's an app for that and you can be a farmer.

You may think that your new pal is amazing because he has 1100 friends, but come on. Stalkers dont even have 1100 friends (except on fb), and when it comes down to it, the new pal is really just lying to you and only knows 11 of these people, acquaintances are not “friends.” But hey, it's just a website. Think about it this way, what you are really saying here is, “I've met this person for all of 3 minutes, why not give them and the adspace the secret recipe that is me?

The true character of people really shines when you log on. “Ooh, this chic is hot, lets say hi so I can peep her photos. I'm easily addicted and I need more lies so I can be a better vampire hunter. Created a group because i'm feeling insecure about myself and I want to see how many people think I'm clever and/or cool by getting them to join the 'I lost my phone group, post your number online so that a complete stranger can steal your identity all the while, I don't call you (sill fool, I would never).”

This website is the ultimate anti dont judge a book by it's cover. All you are doing here is taking a person, looking at that photo of them at a college party and deciding whether or not you want to see the new Titanic or not. Sometimes, you may get past that photo of their gerbil and read some of their posts (i.e. A collection of irony and inside joke in which you will undoubtedly take literally because you are not really their friend and know nothing about the person. This is the modern day version of social awkwardness and standing next to a person just listening in on their conversation that doesn’t involve you.

Here's the kicker though, there are billions of bored people out there that don't care. This is a utility to put on the new ipad so you can pass the time. Social degradation, NSFW pictures, inaccurate assessments, and attention whoring cannot over power the emotion of need.

So as I sit on my bed, thinking about what kind of breakfast I want to eat so I can post it to my wall, I can help but recognize the irony here and the undying hypocrisy that I am emitting. I hope you didnt expect any better because you read my profile. Most of you are reading this because I posted it and I am so important that you need to read my opinions, but not to worry, i'll read about yours as procrastination kicks in. I might even like it to share my opinion.

Back to the original point, by taking the next step in your relationship and becoming a friend, you better be expecting to see some stuff that you really didnt want to, after all nobody is exactly as they advertise. At least its not myspace where you get bombarded with stripper mail. The myspace stalker is on to catch a predator while the facebook stalker is just a borderline perve.

At least your not tweeting, or are you?

Austin.O

I dont have a video to precede the following,but if you know Drake or dont, google his quote unquote music and lets the tears flow."Let's put 30 seconds on the clock and see how many funny comments we can post."

1) Hmm, there have been too many seasons of American Idol

2) I guess Lil Wayne did want to get back at us after all for putting him in jail.

3) He's easier to find in the club than Ecstacy

4) Well I guess not all Dogs go to Heaven

5) Could you imagine what his music video would look like if those girls didnt get paid?

6) This is indeed what your children listen to

7) Well, at least your not deaf

8) See, not all "rappers" are sexual deviants

9) At least the NBA All Star games will have an entertaining halftime show.

10)This is proof that technology is taking over the world and they will get us on at a time.

Buzzer

11)At least you know what your kids will be dancing to in the strip club in 10 years. Believe me, there is not much hope to curb the youth to listen to real music, but this makes the other stuff sound like Mozart (it gets worse, way worse).

Just one more

I've never been addicted to crack, but they say the reason it's so addictive is because the first high is so extreme that the junkie keeps trying to relive it. They will never get back to it, but they keep doing it anyways. That is also the definition of insanity, doing the same thing but expecting a different outcome. Similar to crack, there are Mexican restaurant chips . You start off saying ok, i'll have one and no matter how good or bad, you keep stuffing the face trying to get that satisfaction. Next thing you know, you have queso, guacamole, and the secret sauce that is really just a mix of the two.

Like all good crack, you go in it with an empty stomach, just starving, and then after a round ofmargaritas, you keep filling the basket. Finally, after the dust has settled, you are no longer hungry for the food you ordered and you take it to go. Then after a few hours, your hungry again and you go back for more.

Nobody wants to be a junkie, but like in the movies, it just calls your name, and then the refrigerator jumps at you. After a sprinkle of salt and after you've man handled every chip to find the one that is the perfect size for the amount of dip you desire, you chomp down. You wish that were the end, but after immediately judging it (dude, this is weak, the stuff last time was much better) you just wish one of the people at the table would tell you an interesting story so you could take your mind off of it. But after a few intense moments (who knows how long, time flies) the craving gets to be so intense that you have to go back for more. Oh no, they brought a different batch, I better try those.

Next thing you know, you go back again and again and again until your “friends” at the table cut you off (“that's enough, look at you”). You crave and crave and will do anything to get that next fix. It's not even that good, but you NEED it. You try everything from lying, to stealing, to going behind their back or to another table to get another. Then finally, the table looks at you and says, “I love you, but you have got to stop. If you cant, then we are going to leave.” After being forced to quit, the food comes and the intervention helps you realize that you are at rock bottom. You have nothing left (of your appetite). You suddenly feel alone in the seat while your happy table gobbles down. You try to keep in touch with them, but you grow apart, your disease has ruined your relationships. You sit there picking t your food knowing that you never want to do that ever again, especially since the withdrawals are so extreme.

As you pack up your food to go, you sneak a few in the box, “I'll just take this for later.”

It doesn't have to be like this, just say NO!

Moral of the story, we are all basically addicts, it's a disease

"I'm Funny and I know it"

The older I get, the more I try to figure it out. What is the meaning of life, what is the fastest route to work, who the hell is on the radio and why am I listening to it? It first struck me odd that Madonna was at the Superbowl which was about as super as CSPAN, I caught the “coolest” thing since ice trays. They leave me LOLing while ROFLing and CRYing.

I'm sexy and I know it? When I first caught wind of this I was floored. Well actually, I heard it at the gym, so I wasn't that surprised, but then I heard it another day, and then somewhere else, and finally I heard it at school. So as the curious, fact finding, life saving, person that I am, I researched this bummer to get to the bottom of things.

First off, the texting language is as cute as the rabies vaccine, so naming your “band” as such really gives you a solid footing and a great place to write lyrical gems. Then you see the amazing talent in the faces of these high school sweethearts, Im not sure if they are related or just the product of ttwo consenting adults that are from Arkansas, but those two consenting first cousins must have been Carrot Top and Coolio. So It starts off very electronic and technoic which is great because like the people who listen to techno, it's only good when you feel ecstasy and the lights are off.

The lyrics to this jam are the result of some very deep emotional consideration and the combined education of an eight year old. These guys remind me of every Clerks movie in that if they get writers block, it's back to the fast food kitchen. It starts off with a solid look at that body, like some robot stalker at the mall food court. After a few reps to make sure you understand, they drop the kicker, I'm sexy and I know it. First off JT, how does one go from stalking to claiming how sexy you are, that's the cross between a lion and espn 2 late night. I can assure you, they are as sexy as athletes foot, but they have the confidence of tough actin tinactin, booyah.

Once you get through the fact this just happened, you are rewarded with a sweet e solo in which computers rock with noises that only a mother(board) could love (NICE). Once again, drugs are bad and most noises your computer makes are terrifying. Lets put it another way, recently, I have enjoyed the athletic centers so I can achieve six pack abs and find my summer body. For those who are also hitting the gym, you know that it is more essential than water to bring those headphones because if not, you have to listen to the cranked up emusic.

After a few rounds of this miserable pattern, the song ends a peace is restored. You can get back to the lyrical freedom that you do deserve. It's not that this “group” is so bad, they're terrible. They have a common thread with such classics as TATU, The Medic Droid, crystal castle, and how could I forget Britney. Yes, the GI Jane of the music world. She started out great, but the thing about people is that they almost always eventually come to their senses, and now Kathy Griffin has more cred. Same with the Cell phone Crusaders, but hurry up people, can we end this relationship? High school is over and there's a reason it only happens once. The popularity contest, the drama, and the obnoxious display of “creativity” (aka unappealingness) is done. Here's to an effective and positive future generation that can actually accomplish something.  You know who else is in the same Titanic as these balloon artists, the is_it_a Lady Gaga.

So what is it that creates the airplay for this? It's not a lyrical masterpiece nor an amazing display of instrumentals, I guess it's a little catchy in that it gets stuck in your hear like a tumor. But the Alphabet song is catchy, and that's off the Billboard list. The hot list at the billboards is definitely catching fire and hopefully will burn down the system and remove the arsonists that are modern day pop 'musicians.' Pop is depressing but Techno is the Prius of the music genres

Breaking Bad

No use beating a dead horse, but somebody has to; It's that time of year again. The rotation of the Earth around the sun is perfect enough to harbor and justify every other country's thoughts of how floozy Americans are. The younger, very accomplished generation, needs to take a break from muttering obscenities and falling over on a piano accidentally putting chords together that would qualify as music, especially in a club. What better way to break than with Edward 40 hands, beer bongs, rufie coladas, a variation of ping pong involving luke warm beer, shot blocks, jello wrestling, and a stockpile of Herpicin as well as a friendly game of Aliens vs Predators for a whole week.

A rite of passage for college students, the drunken orgy is said to have officially began in the 60s when cars and chics became easily accessible. The point of the journey was the road trip, it was about getting in a barely holding on car and pulling trucker tendencies by driving 20+ plus straight hours with no sleep while “not” being affected my truck stop speed. The days at the beach were just a bonus, the camaraderie was the drive, if you made it with beer money, then you used the formerly white sands of the various US beaches as your pillow. If you got stuck in a ditch along a 2 line highway, then you camped out until somebody passed you. This was the documentary aspect of Animal House, it was a way of life, not just a movie.

Now days, it's still about the party, but there is a much greater need for caution and decision making. Spring Break 2012 is the equivalent of Bordertown, Mejico. In your inebriated stupor, you have to decide, should I walk alone into that dark alley or should I stay here with this sketchy dude that keeps offering to buy me drinks (ooh, this one is strong, oh my god, im like so wasted). It's more about how good is my credit score and/or my relationship with my parents. The better financed you are, the more popular.

Then something major came about, the station formerly known as music television decided to start filming it all and it was all downhill from there. The mostly unspoken or unknown activities where suddenly broadcast to the world for easy payments of 19.99. Daughters were and are shunned on a yearly basis and sons are praised. From here, it was the revolution of smaller recording devices and bigger bad decisions.

Don't get me wrong, the celebration is not the bad thing, the people arent even bad, and im not complaining about anything. It's different though, different strokes for different folks. We've all done the tradition that is a week long vacation at the end of winter, and many have experienced the feeling of jealousy and hatred by no longer being able or relevant to make it happen. I guess hypocrisy, envy, and reality are a real bummer.

What is the future of Spring break? Many will argue that the droves of testosterone is scaring away the estrogen and both are quietly disappearing as eduction slowly is massacred. Also, drug cartels have made it clear that they will kidnap whitey. Is the lure of bad decision making, designer drugs, underage consumption, selling of ones body to off, pay a bar tab, dine and dash, PI, as well as many other illegal activities wearing off. The pizazz of young, dumb, and full of … themselves cant just die off. Come on people, someone has to know how to resuscitate and it sure aint Snooki or Lil Wayne.

I'll have a small fry

Come on David, at least give a little effort. I'll be the first to tell you, I am a local shopper. It's no secret that corporate America means to me what adulthood meant to MJ. As much as people want to save and spend as little as possible, an extra buck to talk to the friendly high schooler is worth it than to have to deal with the jerk who dropped out. If they couldnt handle it in high school, how do they ever think they can take care of business in the real world. I hate to break it to you, but a GED is not the same as a high school diploma, so stay in school.

Back to it, I fully understand the difficulty trying to maintain a mom and pop when the ginomart opens up next door, but it's more than just having low prices and marketing. As a person with a job, I have at least a 5 day work week, meaning Monday through Friday is out, screw you, im not working. I appreciate that you are sometimes open on Saturdays, but that gives me 8 hours to drive all over town, running errands, not easy (im over it after 1 hour tops). I know how everyone feels like they have to to push their religion on me and Sunday is the Lord's day, Buddah's day, Joeseph's day, whoever; I get that it's there day, but they dont pay bills, in fact, they want 15% of your earnings. It's hard to support those needs if you are unemployed because your store had to shut down.

In other words, be open, put forth the effort. The reason corporate chains win is because of convenience, although aint nothing easy about parking in the back of the lot to

enter the store and fight for the last shopping cart, it's still easier than parking, walking to the door, just to see closed. I like you small guys, Goliath is way overrated, but you gotta throw me and the other 8 of us that strive to be anti-establishment a bone.

In the 21^st century, there is little need to call any one, talk to them, get informed, have a positive interaction with another human. What you do well is have a live person who is easily accessible and friendly, or it's very easy to access the information I need. However, more and more do I find myself using the phone book, calling a place to find the number is no longer in service, it just rings through, or I get a fax tone. Geez, Plaxico Burress, stop shooting yourself in the foot, get a working number and for some reason if you are closed during a reasonable business hour, find an answering machine that says, “Sorry that we are not open, we are too busy complaining about how we didn't get a bailout. Please leave a message so we can ignore it and continue failing as a company. Next time, we will go to college to find out how capitalism works.”

I know it's easy to make a whiny excuse and bring up the same over used facts:

• They have more employees
• They make more money
• They can advertise
• they have guarantees
• the have lawyers

the list goes on

Guess what, they are going to sell stuff regardless of how unfair and uneven the playing field is. So you gotta adapt or be inept, blah blah blah.

So, little guy, mom and pop, hole in the wall, etc, know that you are a cherished part of the community and the only people that want you replaced by a chain store are either from Arkansas or aren’t relevant to the community. You gotta suck it up, figure something out, work a little harder, even lie cheat and steal if you have to, or you can just admit that you arent cut out for a challenge and take a loss. You have one thing on your side, everybody loves an underdog, so rub it's belly and embrace it. Throughout history, the little guy has risen and upset someone: David beat Goliath, someone beat cancer, an old lady beat McDonalds. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it.

Different address, Same place

My fellow Americans,

Thank you for tuning in to the state of the union (lowercase for emphasis). You see, my I had to downsize my staff and had to fire my last speech writer, so this is all me. I'm hoping to create more jobs so that I can hire him back, and my other know-it-all staff because I think i'm little late on the state of the union, I dunno, nobody told me.

Hmm, where to start, as you can see, the professionals make this way less terrible. I wish I had an English degree or been like that one fancy president who got his Ph.D. By the way, why is the P and D in caps but not the h? Anyways, as you may be aware, this has been a year as was the one before and the one before that, and next year too when this speech is really due.

As you probably dont know, the NBA is in full swing, but if for some reason you are paying attention, can you please let me know who is winning, I feel like I should care, but then I end up watching reruns of MASH. Speaking of things that suck, good thing Nebraska had a crappy team so their fans could focus on the corn harvest being extra good this year. Other than that, two NFL teams played in the national championship game whilst two NCAA teams played in the other snoozefest that was the Superbowl. When did Madonna try making a comeback and why? Was Britney too busy touring the trailer park? I dont know if you saw that somewhere in that over produced, over priced, over booked collection of hacks that was the halftime show the modern smash group LMFAO made an appearance so that we could all LOL at how generation 2000 has killed artistic integrity and how the computer was better being seen non heard. I could go on for hours, but the only thing worth mentioning was the deli pizza I had for dinner.

I joined a fitness center so that I could embarrass myself in public in the desperate attempt to cease embarrassing myself in public. There is no conceivable excuse for shaving in a public gym locker room. It also seems that the recession is hitting the athletic club industry as corporate America, realizing that people are lame enough to pay an extra twenty a month to not have to even look at at other people, capitalized on the text era and the antisocial party.

Is anyone still watching, I know that the address is about as watched as TCM, but this is the premier speech of politics. Even at 1, this accumulates more ratings than the entire bunch combine. Quick side note to the “republican” party, despite your best efforts, the 20somethings may still yet vote because your running pool looks like a bingo hall. Last election we had our historic first black African American president elected and this time around, more of the same. Glad to see that you learned from the voters who made history by electing someone who was not going to go wrinkle to death in office. If you really want to win, tell your nominees that you will legalize marijuana, or you can stick with controlling the three ring that is the senate and house. It looks like day care took a trip to Washington to argue whose fault everything is.

By the way, if you are in on this, quit procrastinating, pay your taxes, no excuses, give Capital hill a medium to make more poor decisions. Dont you hate how someone always gets a bigger return than you. It sure is exciting to plan on getting a new tv only to have your dream shattered by someone you know who got 3d and surround sound. All because paperwork is hard to fill out.

Is 3d technology really going to stick around? That's bigger than the background color tv? The feeling that get riled up when thinking about three dimensions is more along the lines of the feeling people gt when surfing the channels on HBO where they have to watch the same movies for a whole month.

Back to that creepy Uncle, I hope you use your refund to go back to trade school to better achieve that dream, maybe even buy a house. You can own one now for less than the cost of a starving African and you can go to school in your PJ's. Doesn't mean you will actually learn anything, but what do you expect for one weekend a month and $500.

If we havent taken out all your money and you get away on that dream vacation, we are fully confident that sailing the open waters aboard a floating city is safe again, even in Europe. We have sat down all captains and crew members and told them that drinking and driving is very bad and if it happens three times than we will be extremely disappointed. It was also known that while it's cute to try and run and hide, it's not effective, just ask Osama; we'll get you.

I'm proud to report that war is over, never mind the fact that most of the armed forces are still deployed over seas, we are in armed conflict with most of the middle east, and we make missiles like reese's pieces, it's over. We got rid of the nuclear threat, even though more countries are nuclear ready than when we first attacked. Quick side note, we are not interested in the ME for oil, that was a good joke, but lets face it, we have plenty we can “use” from our red headed stepchild neighbor. I think i'm finally starting to see the economics of it all, gas is getting more expensive now because we withdrew from terrorville and have our hand in less oil territory. I may have to cancel my road trip because premium is too much for my fiat. I'm glad the motor city is back.

Another disturbing trend is the rise of Jersey. NYC's runoff is making a splash across the country. The sad thing is that it cant be called a comeback because they were never relevant. Let's face it, they have been poser hipster's their entire existence. Vegas came first and sure enough Atlantic city pops up like the pimple it is. The pier at Santa Monica even NY harbor, then the boardwalk. How about the worthless Real World series and then, sure enough, here comes Jersey Shore. Every teenager loves it because it makes them feel better about themselves. It should be shown in every high school and university so people can see what not to be like.

Does anybody know what ever came of the health overhaul? Doesn't really matter anyways because those suits got into the right career field. Making money without doing anything. Are they all foreign because they are all living the American dream.

To the untrained eye, it may seem that the state of the union is not good, but it's important we aren't half empty. We need a perspective bailout. We are in the new millennium, keep pushing forward, no need to go back to the 70's when things were great. I hope I’m not playing spoiler here, but the 70s were like Peewee, too happy; at least there's plenty of drugs coming in from Mexico to bring back that pleasant feeling. Don't worry, the GREATer Depression is in full swing, so we gotta rise sometime. A roller coaster that only falls has to rise to revamp, that's how capitalism works. At the very least, smile because your American and at least it's better here than in Europe.

Count(down) me out

2011 be gone, welcome to 2012. If you have been anywhere near a media outlet you are aware that in 356 days, on December 21, the Mayan calendar is over. This phenomena has been interpreted to mean the end of humanity. Thoughts about this being the extinction of the human race have been entertained. Any of the Saw movies, the Holocaust, every foreign dictator (seemingly): these are all horrible things thought about by cruel, sick people but none hold a candle to the thought of the end of the world. Just to clear this up, 12/21/2012 is scientifically as the end of the Mayan calendar, it took a sick wacko to create this as the murder of all humanity.

We know very little about the Mayans; they were natives of the Yucatan, suddenly 'disappeared' and were excellent astronomers. There is nothing strange about the Yucatan, astronomers are just nerds, and suddenly disappearing doesn't make strange, there is a whole tv channel devoted to it. Here's a similar scenario, in any (random location) cult (nerdy extremists) they drink the kool aid and disappear(well, their bones woulda eventually been fossils too hard to recover).

So where'd they go? Aliens? Really modern science and technology, we can find the Titanic (needle in a haystack) but not thousands of people with no modern technology. How about a volcano, or dragon attack, or even global warming?

Throughout it all, nobody has disputed the end of a calendar, but you know, I get a new one every year and it's last day is New Year's eve, but we still manage to see it as a celebration. Maybe the end the of the Mayan calendar is the end of their ream of papyrus scroll or maybe yet it symbolizes the end of Mexico (no more reefer). If the countdown is really on, then how do you spend your last days of paradise? One thing is for sure, you better read the new Twilight because it may be gone.