Pretty in Red, White, and Blue

Im not scared to show any ignorance here because it is coming from ignoring. As in I am ignoring all politics until further notice, enough is enough guys. Ok, im no longer ignoring it so that I can continue to learn how to not act, but I AM still and forever more not in support of the cluster expletive deleted (it can be defined as the consensual fornication between adults, mostly hard like).

It starts every four years with the Bravo reality tv show that is the road to the election, only there are usually no chics and as far as I can tell booze is omitted. The pre election consists of however many social degenerates who are really proud of themselves and seem to want their skeletons in the closet to be exposed. They cover them up like a teen on the beach. After months of the joke that is not directly affecting anything except weeding out trash from trash, one emerges to claim their “parties” nomination. Aren't parties supposed to be fun? So now the best of the worst has been selected to run against some other group of schmucks, none of which have a unique thought.

It has begun seemingly earlier this year and they are way worse than usual. Candidates try to win by slandering their opponents and basically saying, “I never inhaled.” They run attack ads with the message dont vote for me, just dont vote for them, yet everybody vote. What kind of BS is that?

This year, the arm pitt is bashing anything that hope-ama can say based on the fact that he didnt fix the economy. “I did not believe in global warming but the president ruined the economy and now I know, It's His FAULT! Vote for me, please.” Whether he did or didnt do anything at all, at least we aren't Europeans and thank everything that you can still drive your GMC to BOA to change your IRA. As shaky as the Euro is, at least they have a little class about themselves. Nobody is hollering at the queen, bashing her for shaking the hand of her assassin.

Every year as we get closer to finding out who is going to better corporate America for the next 4, a certain amount of political lies via attack ad is expected and of course there will be a ton of senators whose mistresses will come forth and write a novel (no wonder nobody reads anymore). But this year, there have been no ads claiming why we should vote for someone, just why you shouldn't. At least an attempt to say what your political stance is on a few key topics before you go into completely molly whopping a persons dignity, even if that person is not really a person.

Im starting to see why they implemented the electoral college, so when nobody shows up to pick a loser, somebody will still appoint one.

Point Man

It wasnt too long ago when the nuclear family reigned Suburbia. Now, global warming, oil famine, unemployment, etc has caused that nuclear family to mutate and go from a small group to the outrageous family unit. That's neither here nor there, what is here is the fact that we laugh about what was there.

In 90s suburbia, the dad would come home, change into his relaxing polo and high shorts and mow the yard with an electronic lawnmower. The nice thing about them is that they wouldn't run out of power unless you didnt pay the bill, the bad part being that extension chords suck. Nothing quite beats trying to get that patch of grass in the corner of your yard only to come up just short. Remember the old cartoons where the plug would come out of the wall just before you could finish the task, they were historically accurate. It wasnt just an electric mower, but of course the whole package, tree trimmer, weed eater, edger, you name it, they had it, even the boom box!

A little later, the brilliant minds that be created the man points system for wives to keep their men in check. Mow the yard, get some points, fix a broken object, have some more; redeem for prizes. Much like currency, the man point evolved into something completely different. It became a trap for man friends to poke fun at their pals (ie the guy on the couch to rip on the guy with the job). You left the game, minus points, are you drinking wine, point loss, tell me that's not a novel, your points are getting low. Thats where we are today, except we have combined the earning of points with the losing of them, much like a banking institute (btw interesting that banks and psycho wards are both commonly referred to as institutes).

The man will now come home from earning man points at the bar to make dinner and lose said points when the buddies get wind of it. It's evolved from a chuck e cheese rewards system to having no value like our currency. Just as with chivalry, women killed the man point for themselves. Now the ones in charge with a mans self image is his drunken, football buddies...BELCH! Used to be you got man points for being a responsible man but now you get them for being deadbeat, thanks celebrity rehab.

Boot for books

I saw the firefighters out with their “boots” today. The great American past time of pan handling (begging for money) was in full force. They have it down to a science, those public servants. It's mid may, so it's pretty toasty, yet not unbearable like middle summer (although fire fighters should be able to handle the heat (which is why they stay in the kitchen)); the temp is just enough to break a good sweat but not be brutal. With a sweat and the stigma behind them, a firefighter holding a boot can collect quite a bit of change. As a reward for your tax free contribution, you get a sticker that you can rock (way cooler than the dentist sticker).

On a side note, seeing as tv has pegged the fireman to be this ripped hunk of hot man, what happened to the calendar? Did they decide the cougar and bachelorette party market wasnt supporting their needs financially? It was a bit tacky and unrealistic because I have seen firemen before and they are not exactly the picture of health. Most firemens, like police, teachers, doctors, people in general are slobby, unkempt, borderline drunks. But they do a great thing and work very hard for it. It's just unrealistic that they get crowned sexiest public servant. The real firemen calendar should look like an SNL skit because if they were all chiseled and bronze, calls for a “cat stuck in the tree” would be overbearing.Whats nice about the boot is that it has become a tradition like the girl scout cookies. A sticker beats a samoa anyday.

Back to the boot, firemen use this a a big and creative fundraiser to raise awareness and offset shrinking budgets as they are getting cut and shafted like a pencil in a sharpener. Almost like the pitiful public education funding. So why does the school teacher not take over the busy intersection asking for money to by school supplies to teach kids how to read? First off, teachers are lazy because they worked 9 months this year and had to call parents a few days after class (babysitting is tough) and secondly teachers dont have boots (only stinky feet from standing all day), telling people to place their quarters in a teacher's puma doesnt quiet have a jolly ring. Could you imagine a caffine induced grumpy educator on your route to the school asking for you to shell out more than you already do from property taxes or write your congressman and tell them to learn to budget. What a joke, are they going to march up to the capital next to raise capitol? As funny as this may seem, most educators will have to resort to this as their job after the next round of budget cuts. The secret to being a good panhandler is to not be creepy looking but also, move around, dont stay on the same corner.

Just say No

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there was an evil. The forces of good tried round the clock to put this darkness away, but in it is apparent that their efforts were unsuccessful and some may argue that they pushed others to the dark side. The force is not at play here, and you dont need to be a jedi to grasp it.

What every happened to the keep kids of drugs programs, especially in school? I was a part of DARE and I turned out ok, having only a partial spoon habit (joking). It seems that the program is no more, the anti drug policy has become crossword puzzles on the back of the school lunch milk cartons, along with every other “be a better person” campaign. It seems that the schools just said “F it” and cut drug education along with everything else (excepts football of course), so now it's up to the parents to keep from taking bong hits with your children (reefer is a gateway drug).

The big oops may have been their timing; they started young and then gave up in middle and especially high school. I got my info in 5^th grade (as you know they next high is a top priority to a 5^th grader) and it was over. Even the level headed brain child that I am now, major life decisions are not meant for a 10 year old. So in middle school, when the monster started showing its ugly head, there was no “no” reinforcement techniques. The system failed and lead to the high drop out rates.

Now that I think about it, they did the same thing with sex ed and hygeine training. I learned that BO juice was a good thing in 5^th grade and thats the last I heard. In 6^th grade they would mention that showering and laundry were good, but nothing major. Once again, I got that knowledge from my chocolate milk and nothing says be a better person like non fat chocolate milk Friday!

At least they were trying in the 90's, now a days you cant even find a free poster or have campus security come talk to your class or nothing, a lot of schools dont even have a nurse any more. I guess the pro drug campaign just put up more money than the anti and had better free samples. Think about it, as a kid, pencils are ok, but then in middle school, the anti parent, pro individuality phase kicks in and the free samples of dirt grass from your high school neighbor pull more weight that a t shirt. Cool merchandise is crucial, I think one of the best things pro hygiene had going for it was the free deodorant sample, especially to the children who have no pit hair; biology is crazy (which is yet another reason why math is better).

Hate to say it, but the pro reading campaign sucks as well, post elementary. Think about it, books are sweet in the young days because of the authors who were not affected by the anti drug movement (Seuss). What kid doesnt want a mushroom trip about green eggs, in high school, they have to keep it going, but unfortunately vampires dont do LSD.

At the end of the day, the world needs better role models for high schoolers, pop stars are crappy, self absorbed people with a selfish agenda. Parents are great role models, but they dont get much respect by their kids until adulthood (which is how to judge success). We nees a Pootie Tang to mumble gibberish and make “cool” PSAs. OR, step it up celebrities, rather than sucker punch and surprise your opponent with an elbow to the face (world peace huh?) maybe show some class and sportsmanship with a high five. By all means, go to rehab, but dont relapse and flash the “great divide” to the paparazzi (those guys suck). Celebrities, you basically live life like a high school popularity contest, use your appeal for good, join the chess team or something. Give the teenagers something better to vote for via text than which bimbo to marry. Look at the old milk ads, those worked well, do that with crack, except the other way around. I'll even use my celebrity to kick it off (“Got crack” you shouldn't, only plumbers and cable guys do).

Do whatever, just do it fast, reincarnate McGruff, not McGrif (bonus if you know it). At the end of the day, no junkie in a dog suit is going to affect your life, the decision is in your hands, you have to put your education to work, so it falls on the system to instill moral and logic to help the youth.

Cliche Away

It has been stated to not judge a book by it's cover and that is sound advice, but why not? First off, who said this because nobody reads anymore and the ones that do are used to being judged by a jury of their peers although they were not innocent until proven guilty, they weren't. The only reason that cliche exists is because people are so sensitive about stereotypes and although they are not a scientific fact, they are usually pretty accurate, the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. You would be right more than wrong by judging because people make up lies about who they really are to project who they would like to be, not who they are and you need to go with your gut because actions speak louder than words. If you dont like you, there is no to time like the present to change it and put on a smile. I hate to rain on your parade, but time heals all wounds so build a bridge and get over it. If you are a fake inside, it's ok because if you break your arm, with a little support it will go back to normal in a few months; father time will heal you, granted a steady regiment of vicatin will take the edge off, it'll still heal.

I hope im not letting the cat out of the bag by telling you that people just put words together in a random jumble of nonsense. Try to turn a new leaf and use creativity as the ace in the hole, conversations start to feel like ants in the pants.

As crazy as cliches are, it kind of chaps my hide that they have not one, not two, but more websites than you can count on one hand devoted to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Alls fair in love and war, but I think it's safe to assume that the interweb is in a pickle.

I better mak out like a bandit before you get thrown a curveball on what i'm actually saying, eh, E for effort.

I'm not holding my breath, but you can say that again! Glad I got that monkey off my back.

Know your face

Why do people who just met try to expand their relationship through facebook? It has killed more relationships than playboy (even though we only read it for the articles). It used to be, you dated a person and knew just what they told you, now you can stalk them, see every picture they've been in, read about their crazy friends and former tool boyfriends, and who wants to get to know a person that dressed up as a the village people for Halloween?Point of the story, as the empire expands and is now worth some crazy amount of zeroes, think about how it all got started. If you must, reference the movie (it's got JT in it, so it must be accurate). Evn as the are innocent and never proven, they are the Maury show of legit. So much swindling and back stabbing has gone on that it makes DC look like clean, family fun. Is this what you want around your personal relationships?On this website, you matter as much as you think you do, but hey, there's an app for that and you can be a farmer.

You may think that your new pal is amazing because he has 1100 friends, but come on. Stalkers dont even have 1100 friends (except on fb), and when it comes down to it, the new pal is really just lying to you and only knows 11 of these people, acquaintances are not “friends.” But hey, it's just a website. Think about it this way, what you are really saying here is, “I've met this person for all of 3 minutes, why not give them and the adspace the secret recipe that is me?

The true character of people really shines when you log on. “Ooh, this chic is hot, lets say hi so I can peep her photos. I'm easily addicted and I need more lies so I can be a better vampire hunter. Created a group because i'm feeling insecure about myself and I want to see how many people think I'm clever and/or cool by getting them to join the 'I lost my phone group, post your number online so that a complete stranger can steal your identity all the while, I don't call you (sill fool, I would never).”

This website is the ultimate anti dont judge a book by it's cover. All you are doing here is taking a person, looking at that photo of them at a college party and deciding whether or not you want to see the new Titanic or not. Sometimes, you may get past that photo of their gerbil and read some of their posts (i.e. A collection of irony and inside joke in which you will undoubtedly take literally because you are not really their friend and know nothing about the person. This is the modern day version of social awkwardness and standing next to a person just listening in on their conversation that doesn’t involve you.

Here's the kicker though, there are billions of bored people out there that don't care. This is a utility to put on the new ipad so you can pass the time. Social degradation, NSFW pictures, inaccurate assessments, and attention whoring cannot over power the emotion of need.

So as I sit on my bed, thinking about what kind of breakfast I want to eat so I can post it to my wall, I can help but recognize the irony here and the undying hypocrisy that I am emitting. I hope you didnt expect any better because you read my profile. Most of you are reading this because I posted it and I am so important that you need to read my opinions, but not to worry, i'll read about yours as procrastination kicks in. I might even like it to share my opinion.

Back to the original point, by taking the next step in your relationship and becoming a friend, you better be expecting to see some stuff that you really didnt want to, after all nobody is exactly as they advertise. At least its not myspace where you get bombarded with stripper mail. The myspace stalker is on to catch a predator while the facebook stalker is just a borderline perve.

At least your not tweeting, or are you?

Austin.O

I dont have a video to precede the following,but if you know Drake or dont, google his quote unquote music and lets the tears flow."Let's put 30 seconds on the clock and see how many funny comments we can post."

1) Hmm, there have been too many seasons of American Idol

2) I guess Lil Wayne did want to get back at us after all for putting him in jail.

3) He's easier to find in the club than Ecstacy

4) Well I guess not all Dogs go to Heaven

5) Could you imagine what his music video would look like if those girls didnt get paid?

6) This is indeed what your children listen to

7) Well, at least your not deaf

8) See, not all "rappers" are sexual deviants

9) At least the NBA All Star games will have an entertaining halftime show.

10)This is proof that technology is taking over the world and they will get us on at a time.

Buzzer

11)At least you know what your kids will be dancing to in the strip club in 10 years. Believe me, there is not much hope to curb the youth to listen to real music, but this makes the other stuff sound like Mozart (it gets worse, way worse).