Imposition free

Some might argue its the tragedy of all tragedies. Not this guy, to me, this ranks up there with having to wash a cup for some water or going to the pool when its triple digits.
Tax free weekend has come and gone, and i missed it (intentioally?). But, even as I type this, I haven't really missed it yet. I still have an hour to rush out, try to find parking in the concrete jungle, wade through the masses, and wait in line for ages to pay, all for a measly 8 percent. As much as I love mass chaos and the evil, human, shopping spirit AND the corporate machine, i'm gonna pass yet again. I was worried about the grocery store, so I went late last night and deflected the experience like a sun shield.
Now, you might recognize that this is not a new story for me, but like cooking bacon, it gets better each time I do it. So, I guess I will just enjoy mu current wardrobe, lack of back pack, present school supply conditions, and any other items I may be missing (I dont need 100 dollar sweatshop shoes anyways). So long until next year.

H2mO

Dear Person who adds a pack of water enhancer,

Come on buddy, you're better than that. Water, whilst being the most basic of substances, is perfect as it. Everything living requires it, there is nothing needed to add on, just drink it. It's a small wonder we have made it this far with ludicrous behavior such as this.

Let me explain, I have seen several commercials insisting that your “plain old water” can be spruced up. Im not talking about adding a flavor (although a watered down fruit flavor is gross as well), this is a packet that adds “minerals” to your tap. Not just to “enhance” flavor, but to make your drinking water healthier.

But, my drinking water is still drinkable right?

Alas, my point. The first word in drinking water explains it all. It is silly to add some chemical mixture to intensify this. And what are you really adding anyways? A bunch of man made, chemically induced, toxins in a lab with the same output as before. Sure, what's the worst that can happen by adding this? Well in these hard times, do you really want to shell out more money than you have to? Im not saying you will contract cancer, but even asbestos doesnt kill you immeadiately, it's the long term effects that get you.

And what is so wrong with the purified, filter water that most consume? Sure it's not from the mountain reservoir that costs more than gasoline, but it's still filtered.

The point is water is water, just fill up your cup and drive it home. If you must add something, add some ice (frozen water).

Hell00

In today's society, everyone loves being in the record books. The Guinness book of records at this point just makes stuff up; they have a record for largest muffin, longest legs, even most blogs is represented (im not even in the running). People want to be winners and they love recognition, any way, any how. But what is the cost to obtain one of these desirable records? Is it worth the price of selling your soul and burning for all eternity? Well shucks, it's been hot. No beating around the bush there, 105, 110, sometimes as hot as 116 degrees Fahrenheit. Not much good arises from that kind of temperate. At about noon oclock, everyone is thinking, “This sucks, ok, not cool guys (literally).”

This happened 44 times in 2011, and it's only August (which just so happens to be the hottest month of the year), so that means look out record, time for some shatterproof glass because this could get ugly.

But sure enough, as it would be, record holders breathed a sign of relief and Texans cringed as they went outside at 5 oclock only to find the mercury topping out at 94. The end result being that the streak of consecutive 100 degree days has ended (not only that, but it also rained slightly). So on the outside, you may have broken a sweat today (it was amazingly humid), it wasn't with the same passion that you have been perspiring with because deep down you feared the worst and it happened.

On the pessimistic side, what a waste. We have suffered through 44 long days, only to limp past the previous record of 42. I don't know how you were raised, but I was brought up to do things at 110%, no halfway stuff around here. The worst part, the absolute heart breaker is that tomorrows forecast calls for 105. AHHHHH. ONE DAY? That's like Bush 2008 (one vote). We could easily get 15 in a row from here on out leaving the previous record to be beef jerky. It really made the ability to stand outside at high noon like a shootout to seem unappealing.

So to my fallen beads of sweat, you weren't technically shed in vain, but it could of been better. To next year's April sweat.

White Friday

It's official, I have the best job in the world, and I can say that after one day. That's all it takes, 1 day, 1 truth, it's too easy. Not only do I get to do something new and exciting everyday, but I'm good at it, and I get paid to do it. It all adds up to the grass is greener on this side of the fence, and it's no big deal if you stay over on that side, but your missing it. I am aware that you naysayers ma claim that I have said this about my all of my previous jobs, but your wrong, they havent gotten a blogspot.

I not only have a peaches job but I have it in a school that its academically light years ahead of the competition, but I am the choice, which all equates to Good Night Moon. I dont know how to explain it any better that this, my very first class I taught as a teacher of children was a comedy class. Now, you may be starting to feel the little jealous flare starting to steam up, and I blame you as much as I blame Al for Global Warming but it's ok, it will subside and we will be standing there together as men. It never ceases to amaze me that the future of America is in the hands my my lessons, especially when that current lesson is comedy 101. I guess it's a good thing that I dont have comedian traits; arrogance, cockiness, depression. Rage, and the ability to Jack Daniel's their rage until it explodes against a bar in a weekend royal.

So enjoy counting your benji's, like a waitress, im going to count all the singles but add it to the delight dollars and I can afford the cafeteria.

Design to the nines

Usually, you have to pay top dollar for bottom tier advice, but today, you will experience knowledge worth more than penecillin. My classroom is the ideal location for creating this statement. First off, my walls just scream at me in spanish, which is odd since I teach math. Where does the inspiration come from, more important how do the words get there?

Well, in this room, a most of it comes in plant form, and i'm talking the Rapoport way. I have a baby tree that came from a farm and two plants that , as I understand, were snipped from a preexisting rooted fern. These snipped leaves from this “Earthworm fern” are going to sprout their own roots and eventually compete for desk space.

That thought alone tickles my thoughts, which is swell because I need to know, How do I be funny in a school, but not just a school, this is a learning community and my words effect not just these students, not just the staff and students, not just the staff and students and parents, but the entire community. So what does the community find funny? I haven't even met half of them (note: I should change that so I can be mayor, but Mayor Meyer? That's worse than Oscar Mayer.). The good news is that regardless, we know funny so how do you share this gift with others?

First off, Know your Audience. No one becomes a comedian to talk to one person, just like no one becomes a teacher to teach one student. You know how much money you make if you only sell one ticket? It becomes gas money (likewise a teacher with one student eventually becomes unemployed). It is imperative that you have an idea who you are trying to entertain, or inform, or get to read your words. I know it may seem obvious, but a 7 year old is way different from a teenager who is nothing like a retiree (a toddler would have no idea about a Bengay reference).

You also need to Know you. You may think, “Who could possibly have me beat at Jeopardy Me edition,” but nevertheless. You should be natural, dont try to doll yourself up to be what you think others may want to hear because most of the time you're going to tank and very quickly. Your style is what people want, because anyone cn get an opinion, but not everyone gets YOUR opinion silly. So. If you are sarcastic, then be that, if you write in another language and then translate, then make it happen, if you write as if you will be the only one to read it, then by all means... It is a good strategy to just write what comes because you can always edit. Just remember, nobody gets paid to think.

Finally, you must must must must must MUST Know your subject. Especially as a rookie, dont try to rally fictitious information and bundle it with improper nouns (haha). Dont go trying to fill up pages with stuff that sounds accurate. Sure it may work in line at the grocery store, but you gotta put forth the effort and research. Think of it this way, nobody reads tabloids, which is essentially a blog that is made up information. Dont get my message befuddled, a good blog can include a fictitious event or better yet, a hypothetical, but those aren't intended to fool anyone. It is also essential that you arent just ranting about everything at once. A rant can be a hilarious method, but do make it about something.

At the end of the day, you are the leader of your domain, meaning you choose, the ball's in your court, only you can prevent forest fires, etc. Just keep in mind as you peck out your uproarious compositions to make it yours and have fun.

Easy to Pleasey, Lemon Squeezy

I must be out of my mind bringing this up, but there are some things that are just perfect. Then there are perfect things you get to experience twice. Then thrice… all in one week, say it aint so. That much ecstasy in one week could ruin a normal guy, but not me. Maybe it’s because I sit here bored out the gourd, maybe I’m super content with a full belly, maybe even being on the crispity cusp of a super sweet vacay for a the standard month, but it’s all good.

There are few destinations, much less with drive in capability, that warrant a double take (not even Tammi Traylor and friends). But, and this shouldn’t be news to anybody, one of my true loves has come back home to daddy and saddled up to Texas. However, like a first kiss, it only came 80% of the way, making me go the last 20.

Now you may be asking yourself, but mister, how can you have 3 first kisses, to which I reply, double doubles count as two, so it’s more than that, but it’s about quality, not quantity. To which they replied by walking away wondering why and how it’s possible.

That’s what I’m saying. How can love be so close yet so far? You’re telling me that, “Oh, I came most of the way, you have to make an effort here.” But come on, your almost here, if you really loved me, you would finish the ride and go the last little way. I tell you what; I’ll move a little closer, but I’m too proud to give in any more than that.

“We’ll see, not now. There will be others.” I know, I know, it was hard to leave like I did, but I left it at goodbye, you cant be doing this.

“Well, I will be here for a long time to come; I’ll be all over this state before it’s all over with.” Then this will be goodbye again, for now.

“Are you crying?” No, but it was good to see you.

It’s crazy where things end up, but it should always be better.

Completely Environmental

Good morning. Today, I would like to discuss a partially if not completely ridiculous yet already understood concept: all natural. If you have ever even thought about coherency, then you know this statement. All natural is defined as “Food that contains no artificial ingredients (eg, colors, flavors, preservatives and other chemicals) and is only minimally processed (so the raw product is not fundamentally altered).” Another English lesson, for those who may be the product of public schooling, all natural is derived from the word nature and is essentially the product of ingredients from nature, nature being a collection of the physical world (all living things).

When one thinks of nature, the see a pretty sunset, rolling hills, on vast forest, mostly beautiful things. Which is why it is appalling that something as ugly as corporate greed has pierced it’s way into this aesthetically pleasing world of nature.

Enough with the social revolution jargon, my point is this. I’ve heard one too many advertisements claiming their product is all natural. The only things truly natural in this world are hairy legs and body odor. Nothing that you ingest that has been purchased is all natural, especially these “supplements” that are supposedly good for you. The processed garbage that is enclosed in this “magical, newly updated, ultra powerful” plastic capsule is about as far from natural as it gets; the word naturaler is more natural than these little tablets.

The result is equally as unnatural. Riddle me this, when is the last time you had an erect member for 4 hours straight much less at the ripe ol age of 80. How about losing 15 pounds in 2 weeks? Or even, stayed up all night without that jittery, 2 pm feeling? You know why you have that 2 oclock feeling? You guessed it, because its 2 PM, you are supposed to feel like that.

Now, I’m not trying to argue that everything is completely natural because it aint. My beloved beverage from Waco with a PHD is far from that, it is a collection of chemicals, artificial sugars, preservatives, most of which are barely enunciable. Even the bubbles aren’t natural. But you know what, they don’t claim to be natural, their product isn’t water (also, when in bottled form not natural), it’s a delicious drink with the target of making my sandwich’s intended flavor really pop.

I guess im saying that nobody at 6 in the morning appreciates the attack to their human nature, and since there is “no legal definition” for all natural, they can continue to mass produce and promote their “vitamins” as such. How bout this, if you need more Vitamin C, eat an orange (two birds with one stone, 1 you boost your immune system like a power boost shot of all natural whey* and 2 you might actually start consuming less than your recommended daily allowance of 2000 calories), If you want to get ripped, I mean totally yoked, plan on it in advance (instead of trying to look like gym spokesperson overnight), and hit the weights, or If you get that annoying cold, blow your nose a few days, wash your hands frequently and let your orange enhanced innards naturally fix itself (that’s something not even a computer can do).

QSN Who eats whey and why

The word or stem of natural was used in this collection of words approximately 23 times, that’s unnatural… well now 24.

Everyone's unemployed

There is still a line, even in this era, and I think it was crossed yesterday. As lil darlins across America exchanged their love messages that they don’t mean just to get a fix of their candy addiction, I noticed that one particular batch of cards had gone too far. When I peeled off the heart sticker that closes the 2 inch by 4 inch piece of paper (by the way, that was a million dollar idea, heart stickers) and I peeped the message inside I was a little flabbergasted. One of the cards said, “You’re adorable,” and as true as that is, I don’t think that word exists in a 7 year old vocabulary. But the card that really got me was the next one. I opened it up and inside was my old friend the Grinch. Woah, Halmark, you’re truly not that uncreative. There is a line in the sand, an you just barreled over it with your laziness. The obvious thing here is that the grinch is a large mascot for another overrated Halmark Holiday. I mean, you cant go crossing logos. The Easter Bunny doesn’t shout out to MLK for his birthday, there is no Uncle Sam preaching to have a patriotic Halloween (especially since he says don’t take candy from strangers), and there are no Pilgrims that say have a heart, don’t betray the Natives. There isn’t much sacred in Holidays anymore, but there is still Cupid as the representa of love day. Anyways, it’s not that big a deal since nobody noticed but me since I’m the only one that reads the card.

PS you think they ran out of the chalk candy with the perverse sayings on them? “Woo me,” “Don’t run,” and “Play time.”